With weeks to go until I become a birthing partner for the first time, I have the unique advantage of being present at countless births throughout medical school, my foundation training jobs and now as a paediatric doctor attending as part of the crash team.
Granted, a lot of my experience is at the height of stress when things are ‘going wrong’ however I have spent enough time in delivery rooms to know what dads and birthing partners need to do.
Whether the emergency buzzer is blaring or your whale music is playing peacefully in the background whilst you gently rock on an exercise ball, dads have one role - BE PRESENT! It seems so simple, but yet on countless occasions I see dads in the room but not present.
This is rarely because they are uninterested, but often just because they don’t know what to do and it feels easier to sit in the corner and let the midwife take the lead. This is why you need this article!
When your role as a birth partner really starts
Being a good birthing partner does not start when mum goes into labour, or when her waters break, or when you enter the delivery room. It starts from the moment you find out she is pregnant.
Dads need to remember that both parents are going into this as clueless as each other, and just because she is growing the baby, doesn’t mean she has any of the answers. Pregnancy is hard, from morning sickness, growing pains, tiredness and a whole host of other things, mums have their work cut out for nine months. But dads also have their work cut out - their role is to head up the support system.
Behind every successful team is a support system
Think of pregnancy as football team, where mum is all 11 players and also the entire bench and the manager. Initially it might seem as though there aren’t any roles left to be filled.
For a few weeks the team might scrape by with a few draws, maybe even a win, before their pre-season dreams of champions league qualification quickly become championship relegation battles, the manager is fired, and your top striker is in talks with the Emirates.
You don’t need to be an expert to figure out why this happened. The players are the ones playing the game itself sure, but without their coaches, physios, fans, coach drivers and the village of people that work behind the scenes to make the players jobs possible, the team inevitably falls apart.
How dads can support during pregnancy
When mum has a problem, dads need to make it their problem too and need to proactively help make it better. Don’t worry – I’m not expecting you to find the cure for morning sickness, but I am expecting you to support and help guide her through everything.
Be the one to cook the meals you’ve seen on TikTok that might help with reflux, bring her up a fruity ginger smoothie for her morning sickness without her having to ask, go with her to her midwife appointments and help her research medical questions, send her cute baby videos to cheer her up and be the one to surprise her with cute baby outfits because I promise you cannot go wrong and its one of the best moral boosters there is in pregnancy!
None of these things are groundbreaking, but the continued small gestures of support show her that you are in this together, and if you continue to do this right up to delivery, you are building the strongest possible foundation to start your parenting journey.
Now let’s get specific about the birth itself. Doing all of the above builds the foundations, but there are some specifics you should do.
Research, research, research
Empower yourself with research. Childbirth will be the most physically and mentally demanding time of mum’s life, especially if it’s the first time. She needs all her energy focussed in on delivering baby and won’t have much left over for decisions.
There will be questions about pain relief, birthing position, C-sections, epidurals, forceps, episiotomies, delayed cord clamping, placenta delivery, Vitamin K, skin to skin and countless other things, that mum may or may not be in a position to answer.
Birth is unpredictable and you never know what you might need to decide until afterwards, however understanding some of the most common decisions takes the sole burden off mum, and supports her decision making.
Understand the birth plan
You MUST have discussed a birth plan beforehand - not because this is what will happen. It’s not uncommon for birth plans to not go to plan and you certainly don’t need to know the answer to everything - if you did, you’d be an obstetrician.
What you do need to know are mums’ priorities and what she would ‘ideally’ want. This is the information that healthcare professionals need to aid decisions. Mum needs to know she can trust you empirically, and the more you have discussed and researched prior to delivery, the better.
Be present
This is the easiest one, but the most neglected. Before you are in the delivery room, ask mum how she wants to be supported.
Does she was words of support or silence? Does she want music, or her favourite Netflix show? Does she want snacks, if so which ones and always make sure you buy way too much.
Whatever she decides she wants, it is your job to fulfil. Whether her labour is one hour or three days, your only job is supporting her, whatever form this takes.
When doing nothing is the right thing
BONUS: Know when to be useless. This entire article aims to empower you to be supportive throughout pregnancy and delivery and understand the key role you play. However, there will be times when you are powerless and must trust others.
Times when you need to hold mums’ hand and do nothing but bare the vice grip she has on your fingers. Times when you need to step to the side and let medical professionals do what they need to. Sometimes doing nothing is the most important thing you can do, as long as you’re with her.
