If there’s one question guaranteed to come up when you have a new baby, it’s ‘Are they sleeping well?’
Usually, what people really mean is, ‘Are they sleeping through the night yet?’ It sounds like an innocent enough question, but when you’re a few weeks into parenthood, feeding your baby throughout the night and functioning on very little sleep it can feel like a loaded one. Especially when someone else’s baby is apparently sleeping for hours and yours is waking every two or three hours.
You can start to wonder if something is wrong. Should your baby be sleeping for longer? Are you doing something differently? Have you accidentally created a bad habit by feeding, cuddling or rocking them to sleep?
The thing is, newborn sleep is not something that needs fixing. There is so much pressure around baby sleep that we sometimes forget a newborn is, well, a newborn. Their sleep is not supposed to look like ours, and frequent waking is a normal part of those early weeks and months.
Understanding a little more about how newborn sleep works can make a surprising difference. Instead of constantly wondering whether your baby is sleeping ‘well enough’, you can begin to understand what is normal for them, what might be making things more difficult and what you can do to look after yourself while they are still figuring it all out.
What does ‘sleeping well’ actually mean?
We have some pretty unrealistic expectations of baby sleep. You might hear a baby started sleeping through at six weeks, eight weeks or three months and it's easy to assume this is the point you should be aiming for too. But babies are individuals and there is no magic age when they suddenly become a ‘good sleeper’.
There is also no universal definition of what sleeping through the night actually means. When one parent tells you their baby sleeps through, they might mean their baby sleeps from 7pm until 7am without waking, but they could equally mean they had one five or six-hour stretch.
In my experience, there can be a huge difference between what one parent means by sleeping through and what another parent imagines when they hear it. And this is where comparison can become particularly unhelpful.
If your baby is waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and 6am, hearing somebody else’s baby sleeps through can leave you wondering what you are doing wrong, when actually you may simply have two very different babies with two very different sleep patterns.
Babies are biologically different from us
Newborn sleep is quite different from adult sleep. Babies tend to sleep for shorter periods and move between different stages of sleep more frequently. They also spend a lot of time in lighter sleep, which can look surprisingly active.
You might hear your baby grunting, wriggling, making little noises or even pulling faces and briefly opening their eyes and think, “Oh, they’re awake again,” when they may actually still be asleep. I’d say don’t rush to pick them up; just watch and wait to see if they settle themselves.
Then there is feeding to consider. Your newborn has a tiny tummy and is growing incredibly quickly, so frequent feeds are biologically normal and an important part of their early days. It’s not surprising feeding and sleep are closely connected at this stage.
Their body clock is also still developing. A newborn doesn't arrive knowing daytime is for being awake and nighttime is for having a long stretch of sleep. That pattern develops gradually as their body clock matures.
If your baby wakes regularly through the night, it doesn’t mean they have failed to learn it’s night-time. Their little body simply hasn’t developed the same sleep rhythm yours has yet. Some babies naturally start giving their parents longer stretches of sleep earlier than others, while some continue waking regularly throughout the first year and beyond.
How does sleep actually work?
It can help to think about sleep as something your baby’s body naturally does rather than something you need to teach them. There are two things working together here: sleep pressure and their body clock.
Sleep pressure is basically the natural feeling of needing to sleep that builds while we are awake. You will recognise this in yourself and know you don’t need somebody to teach you how to fall asleep when you are exhausted. Your body does it for you.
Your baby is the same, but their body clock is much less developed. Our circadian rhythm helps our bodies recognise the difference between day and night and influences when we feel more alert and when we feel sleepy, but in a newborn this system is still getting established until around 12 to 16 weeks.
Natural daylight and normal daytime activity and noises are useful cues as this happens. This is one reason it can be helpful to open the curtains in the morning, get outside when you can and allow your baby to experience normal daytime life, rather than trying to create a silent, dark environment every time they sleep during the day.
When night-time comes, you can gradually give them different cues, like keeping the lights low, keeping things calm and keeping feeds and changes quiet and low-key where possible.
None of this is a magic recipe for sleeping through the night. You are simply helping your baby become familiar with the difference between day and night while their body clock develops.
Helping your baby become familiar with their sleep space
There is nothing wrong with supporting your baby to become comfortable in their own sleep space, and you do not have to wait until they are older to gently introduce it. If your baby has had a feed and is comfortable, awake and settled, you might sometimes place them down in their cot or Moses basket while they are still awake.
They may look around, wriggle about or make little noises, and that is absolutely fine. They are simply having an opportunity to experience their sleep space while they are calm, rather than only ever being put down once they are deeply asleep. And if they become unsettled, pick them up.
This is not about leaving your newborn to work it out, or expecting them to self-soothe. It is about giving them little opportunities to become familiar with where they sleep, while knowing you are still there when they need you.
Independence is gradual and we do not need to expect it from a brand-new baby. Feeling safe and knowing that somebody responds when you need them is a much more useful foundation for developing confidence and independence.
So, if your baby needs to be cuddled, rocked or fed to sleep, you have not created a bad habit that you will have to undo later. You have responded to your baby in the way they need at that moment.
Your baby has only just arrived
There's another part of newborn sleep that's easy to forget, and that is just how new everything is for them. For around nine months your baby was warm, contained and surrounded by familiar sensations. They could hear your heartbeat and your voice, feel you move and experience the rhythm of your breathing. Suddenly they are in a much bigger world, with different sounds, lights, temperatures and sensations and they are having to make sense of all of it.
When your baby settles beautifully in your arms but wakes the moment you put them down, it can help to think about what has changed for them. Your arms are warm and familiar, while the cot is still, flat and unfamiliar. It is perhaps not surprising that they may prefer being close to you.
This is where those lovely cuddly naps come in. If you are awake and following safer sleep guidance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying your baby sleeping on you. Your touch, voice, smell and presence provide familiar sensory experiences, while close, responsive interaction is important for your baby’s early emotional and brain development.
It can also be a chance for you to rest. We can sometimes talk about holding a sleeping baby as though it is time you are losing because they are not sleeping independently, when actually it can be an opportunity to sit down, put your feet up and simply be still for a while, especially in those early weeks of recovery. You do not have to use every sleeping moment to wash bottles, tidy the kitchen or catch up on jobs.
Of course, you can adore your baby and still want to put them down. Your back might hurt, you might want something to eat or simply need five minutes where nobody is touching you. All of those feelings can exist alongside loving your baby completely.
There will be times when you want the cuddles and times when you need your baby to sleep somewhere else. Neither is wrong.
Co-sleeping safely
That need for closeness does not necessarily stop when it the sun goes down, which is why I think we need to talk openly about co-sleeping, without the judgement or stigma that can sometimes surround it.
Co-sleeping has been part of infant care across many cultures and communities for centuries. It may not be right for every family but for some, having their baby close at night can make those early months much more manageable, particularly when babies are waking frequently to feed.
The important thing is not whether you choose to co-sleep or not, but that you understand safer sleep guidance and make an informed choice. And because exhaustion can mean co-sleeping happens unexpectedly, it is better to understand the guidance before you are in the middle of a 3am feed and struggling to keep your eyes open.
The safest place for your baby to sleep is in their own clear, flat and separate sleep space, in the same room as you for at least the first six months. The Lullaby Trust has clear guidance around safer sleep and co-sleeping, and Co-sleepy is another useful resource for parents who want to understand their options.
It is worth having this conversation with your partner too, even if they are not the one getting up for feeds. When you are both exhausted, knowing the guidance and having thought about your options together can make a real difference.
And then there is feeling exhausted
We can talk about normal newborn sleep patterns, but normal does not always mean easy. Being woken repeatedly throughout the night can leave you feeling exhausted. You may be forgetful, emotional, irritable or anxious and things that you would normally manage quite easily can suddenly feel enormous.
You may have heard the phrase ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’, and while it can sometimes be good advice, it is not always possible. When your baby finally sleeps, you might need to eat, shower, use the toilet, answer a message, spend five minutes talking to your partner or simply sit down and stare into space.
That is okay, and rest does not always have to mean sleeping. If somebody can hold your baby while you lie down for half an hour, take the opportunity. If your partner or a relative can take the baby after a feed so you can have an uninterrupted stretch of sleep, brilliant. If a friend offers to bring dinner, do the washing or take an older child out, let them.
You do not need to use every precious sleeping period to clean your house. If the choice is between tidying the kitchen and lying down for 45 minutes, the kitchen can wait.
And if you have a partner, remember sharing the load does not necessarily mean sharing the feeds. They can bring you the baby, change them, settle them afterwards, make sure you have food and water or take responsibility for everything around the feed so that you can get back to sleep more quickly.
If you are expressing or using formula, you may be able to share a feed or take turns with a longer stretch of the night, if that works for you and your baby.
When to ask for help?
Frequent waking is normal for newborns, but that does not mean you are expected to cope with anything and everything on your own. There is a difference between having broken nights with a newborn and becoming so sleep deprived that you are struggling to function, cope or keep yourself or your baby safe.
Sleep deprivation can affect your concentration, memory, mood and ability to cope. When you have been waking repeatedly night after night, it can become difficult to think clearly or recognise just how exhausted you have become.
If you are feeling increasingly overwhelmed, tearful, anxious, irritable or unable to cope, or you are finding yourself dreading the night or feeling you simply cannot do this anymore, please tell someone. Speak to your partner, family, midwife, health visitor or GP. You do not need to wait until you are at breaking point before asking for help.
And if you are having thoughts that frighten you, feel disconnected from your baby, feel that you might hurt yourself or your baby, or you are experiencing confusion, unusual thoughts or seeing or hearing things that others cannot, seek professional help urgently. These can be signs that you need more support and you deserve to receive it.
Asking for help does not mean you are struggling to be a good parent. Sometimes the most important thing you can do for your baby is make sure you are cared for too.
The same applies to your baby. While waking frequently is normal, seek advice if your baby is unusually difficult to wake, is not feeding as they normally would, has significantly fewer wet nappies, seems generally unwell or simply does not seem themselves. And if your instinct tells you something isn’t right, it is always okay to ask.
You do not need to have the perfect explanation or know exactly what is wrong. You can simply say, “I’m worried about my baby,” or “I’m exhausted and I’m not coping.” Those are both good enough reasons to ask for help.
Your baby is not broken
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is your baby’s sleep is not a test you are passing or failing. We have become so used to hearing about babies who “sleep through” and seeing perfect family moments on social media that frequent waking can start to feel like something we need to fix. But your baby is simply learning how to be in the world.
Understanding what is normal will not make a 3am feed any more exciting, or magically give you more sleep, but it can take away some of the worry and self-blame.
There is no perfect way to do this, no prize for reaching a sleep milestone first and no need to have everything figured out. Be kind to yourself, accept the help when you need it and remember, you and your baby are learning together.
